I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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