I murdered the dance floor call the cops
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
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