Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
