OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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