Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
