My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
