what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
