You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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