if you like me you must not know who I am
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
is wine microwaveable?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
