I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
