im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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