i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
