My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
