You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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