I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
