We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
