Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
