i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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