Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
