omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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