I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
