all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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