Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
