So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
