You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
