what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
