When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Please don't give away my fajitas
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
