I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
