Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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