Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.