this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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