I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
