Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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