If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
