We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize