would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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