I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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