i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
