Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
