I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
