i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
