Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
