I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
