Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
