I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
