I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
