When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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