Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
