I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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