I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
