Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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