Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
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And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
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I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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