yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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