so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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