im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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