Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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