I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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