you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
