I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
